


Something I need

by Pikkuhiiri



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Bromance, Cockles, Comic-Con, Depressive Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 05:46:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2097894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pikkuhiiri/pseuds/Pikkuhiiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is a real Profi. He really is. He loves his work on the set of Supernatural and somehow Dean Winchester is not just a role he is playing. Dean is some part of himself. Demon Dean is new stuff and for Jensen the work is not that easy as before. But the worst part is that he can't understand why anyone would like to kill Castiel. Why anyone would take away Misha. And so Jensen has to face the truth - he is not such a Profi like everyone thinks he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something I need

**Author's Note:**

> THIS is trash. It really is. So I am REALLY sorry.  
> Still, I hope you love/like it. 
> 
> I am searching a Beta for my next work, so please, if anyone would love to stop that horrible grammar, you're welcome :) 
> 
> I hope you still can enjoy.

He was so tired. Tired and mad. Tired, because he did'nt sleep that much the last weeks. Mad, because of the people who got this crazy idea and threw him into this fucked up situation. He never wanted this to happen. All he wanted was that this show could end how it began. With two brothers, happy to have the other back in their lifes. All he wished for, was that it would get easier at some point. That it was fun to look in the mirror after a long day at the set, becaue hey, he did a great job. He played his role as Dean Winchester as good as he could. No matter how hard it was to pull on this kind of crap. But now, after all this years, Jensen was losing the track.

He said it right from the start, that he would have some issues with playing a demon. That he would struggle before his new costume would fit. But he never thought it would get that kind of hard. It was like he forgot how to switch between Dean and himself anymore. Every day after the playing on set, all he saw in the mirror was Dean. Without those scary black eyes, but with his hidden demons, no one could see. The fact that he was seeing himself, was more scary than anything else. After all this years being an actor, playing role after role, making Dean to Dean, now he was not sure if he was able to play this kind of crap any longer.

He talked to Jared about it. To his brother he did not have. He listened to him, let him spoke until the last word was spoken, but it did'nt change anything. Jar just tried to understand and for sure, he knew what it means to go that deep into character that you have to stop youreself from losing your own mind. But after all, Jensen was sure that Jar was never at this point HE was now. Jar always found the button to skip forward. No matter what Sam was going through. But Jensen was'nt sure if he would find the button to leave Dean in the shadows. At the beginning it worked and he was proud that this new image of Dean was that easy to build. But days after days he was losing the feeling, the energy, the joy. He lost himself. The dark thoughts of Dean were all inside his own mind, the anger Dean felt was under his own skin and sometimes there was this fear, he knew Dean felt every minute since he woke up as a demon. That dark fear to kill someone, to loose someone, to forget someone. And it was so hard to play Dean like that. This man who was strong and stupid. Who loved his brother more than anything else. Who failed so much and did never stop fighting. But all this was gone. None of this was now on Deans mind. There was nothing. He did'nt care about Sammy or the monsters anymore. He was just something not someone. And Jensen was afraid, that at the end, Dean would be gone forever. Not because he would die. They would'nt go that far. But after all this, the Dean he loved from the first day on set, would be gone forever and the Dean who would be there at the end, would be a little freak. He was so tired of thinking about it.

The sigh wihich escaped his mouth was deep. He missed the old times, but no one here on set would understand why and because of what. Jensen wondered sometimes if the fans would do. If they would understand how he was feeling. Sometimes he was hoping that the fans would go insane enough to change the whole storyline but Jensen knew how this was working. And there was no more way out of this role as a demon.

„Jen, are you still here?“

Mishas voice was low and sounded as tired as he was feeling. It was not easy to look into Mishas eyes and imagine that he would do this someday for the last time on set. Because of the shit who was written on this papers. Because of the fact the directors had the amazing idea that it would be fun to "kill" Castiel, because he saved Deans ass once more.  
This was'nt fair and Jensen was so afraid of the reactions of the fans that he thought about skipping the Comic Con this year. He was not sure if he could be himself long enough.

„Hey, do you even listen?“

Jensen turned around and it was like he came back to normal life. There was Misha. Not Castiel and it was so good to see, that his friend was able to turn this shit just off.

„Yeah, I'm sorry. I was just thinking.“  
„Come on Jen, don't tell me you are still in your demon skin.Turn it off buddy. This starts to scare me. I am afraid you are coming to my room and try to smite me with a kitchen knife“  
„I'm not that mad man.“  
„Are you sure?“

Jensen could'nt answer this question. All the jokes Misha made in the past days about him and his demon possesion. There was no way that he could laugh about it. Not now. Not as long as he felt so drowned in this demon Dean thing.

„Come on Jen, let's go to my trailer and have a talk. I promise your life will still be awesome when you leaving later that night.“

„Nah, not today Mish. I am really tired and I'm feeling like shit. I think it's no good idea to come around. I am afraid I would fall asleep before we even started to talk.“

„So? Who cares about that?“

Jensen was searching for a better answer but he was literally out of words. The problem was, that there were no answers for Misha. If Misha want something, he got it. And right now, Jensen knew, that Misha want to make him feel better, so why fighting against the best thing which can happen after a long day on set?

„Fine, but not that long. I need more sleep or they run out of make up.“

They walked in silence back to Mishas trailer. That was not the usual thing. There were days in the past, when they were laughing the whole way, when they were fighting about the place to stay and when they were getting so damn drunk, that Jensen thought his life is pretty perfect in every single way. Those times, when they both were lying on the floor in the middle of a trailer, which is called their home, laughing tears because of nonsense. That's gone. Not because he wanted this to be gone. Just because he was crazy and weak and not strong enough to play his part, Deans part, until the very end.

Mishas trailer was more comfortable than his own. He always complained about that, but not because it was really important to him. It was more because of the fact that Misha liked it a lot to fight with him about such little things who made no sense to anyone else.

When Jensen entered the trailer he made his way to the couch and sighed deep when he felt the soft skin of the furniture, pressing against his back.

  
„Want a beer?“  
„No, I am not in the mood for drinking.“

Jensed heard Misha making some steps and open that bottle of beer and than he sat right beside him, sipping on the bottle for the first time. And he was sitting here like a dead man, with closed eyes, because he was so tired of watching the days go by.

„What's this about Jen? Is it about me? About the fact that Castiel will die? Or is it because of Jared? Did something happen between you guys? Or is it Dean? Demon Dean? Just tell me Jen, I am really worried about you.“

Jensen was not sure if it only was Deans fault. And he really was close to smiling because it freaked him out to hear Deans voice in his head. His own voice. Yelling "Yeah man, ya know. It's always my fault. So why not blaming Dean Winchester for all this crap. Because everyone is always blaming him."

But he was not going to smile and he was not going to answer this question either.

„Fine. You don't want to talk about it. I get it. Really. It's no big thing to lie to your best friend, tell him everything is okay and feeling like shit. Do you really think I am that blind Jensen?“

„I'm sorrry Mish.“

„Are you?“

Was he?

„I don't know Mish. I don't know anything. It's just weird ya know? Dean was from the first day on set a part of me. I made him to this stupid little bitch. No one else. There where times when I loved to imagine him doing things in normal life, when I was hungry for new scripts because this man was such a big part of me, that I always thought I will never live without this part anymore. And now, it feels like he is my own demon. The thing which is possesing me day and night. What would he do? What would he say? Will he die? Will he kill? Will he become happy? Will Sammy live? Can Cas save him? Why must Cas die? Tell me, why must Cas die? Why must Dean lose him? After all this years. Dean can't handle this shit. I know it. They just turn him human again, to rip him apart. It's not fair to took Cas away from him. Dean will struggle so hard. He will blame himself every day. They want him to be covered in Cas' blood. They want him to be cold hearted and something stupid. They want ME to hold YOU before you will leave this set forever. I just can't Mish, it's not working.“

All this words were not supposed to come out loud. Not one of them. Especially not the words about Castiels dead and Mishas last days on set.

„So it's about me.“

Jensen was shaking his head so hard that it started to hurt.

„No, it's about the script and about me.“

Misha shoved the bottle back on the table and leaned his head back against the fabric. And Jensen looked up, for the first time since they arrived in the trailer and all he saw was a tired face, dark blue eyes and lips without a smile. The last part scared him the most.

„I don't want that either. It scares me. I mean, I love Castiel. I really do. More than chicken wings and pizza. It feels crazy to read the script and to face the fact, that this man is going to die. Every time I come so far with the lines I started to laugh. Don't know why: I just laugh. Maybe because I always thought Castiel can't die. Not after all the crap. I have no idea. And since I've got the script, and you know that this is weeks ago, I did'nt manage to play it for myself. I can't imagine to let Castiel die. I mean, I will lay on the floor, a cold, stoned floor, losing my breath, because as a human, Castiel can breath. I will be sooked in my own faked blood and Dean will lean over me, begging Cas not to die and than it's over. Castiel is dead. Gone. And me too. That scares me really a lot because I never thought about leaving this set without Jared, Mark or you. Especially you.“

Jensen swallowed hard. There was a knot in his throat and it felt like losing the air to breathe. Dean, or who ever it was in his head, was laughing because he was nearly losing the shit and would start to cry. Because of what? How could there be a life on set without Misha? Was there a life before? What is going to happen after this season? Will there be another whole season without Castiel? Without Misha? Just because the writers would love to go back to the beginnings?

„I will miss you Jen.“

Mishas voice was rough and for a second Jensen thought he was into character but than he realised that Misha was as close to tears as he was. Out of ideas and words to stop this madness.

Jensen closed the distance to his best friend and leaned his forehead against Mishas temple.

„I am not doing this. I swear. They can't force me to do those things. They will write the script new. Every single scene. Until I say that's it. I don't let Castiel die. I don't let you go and I don't let it happen that Dean will struggle harder than ever before.“

Misha was laughing. Short and than he was leaning his face towards Jensens, bringing their noses together.

„Nice idea Jen. And what if this plan will fail?“

Jensen shrugged his shoulders, pressing their foreheads together.

„Comic Con is ahead. I will go out there and tell it everybody. Tell it to the fans. I swear they kill those nerds for those ideas. I mean, they have such a though crush for Castiel, they would run the stage for him.“

This time Misha giggled and his breath tickled over Jensens face.

„Nah, it's not Castiel alone. It's the thing between Castiel and Dean. Ya know that.“  
„How could I forget?“  
„So? Are you serious about that?“  
„Yeah, I think so.“

Jensen moved away, just to lean in back again. Closer. So their cheeks were brushing. Full of stubble.

„And when will you go and tell our bosses about your awesome idea?“  
„Tomorrow.“

Mishas lips were so close to his neck that Jensens heart was losing the beats. He was so far away with his mind that he missed the tension between them.

„Well, I'm with you.“

And than Mishas lips were brushing over his neck and Jensen felt like his skin would start to burn.

„Mish, what are you doing?“  
„What? This?"

And than his lips were back again. Nice, soft, wet, slowly and Jensen had to close his eyes harder because it felt like home and peace.

„Yeah. That.“  
„I thought a little bit of teasing would make you feel better. Am I wrong?“

He thought about saying yes, but Misha always knew when he lied . So he pushed him away, just to took his face into his hands.

„When I am back on set tomorrow I will regret this.“  
„Regret what? Spending your freetime in my trailer?“  
„No, not that. This.“

And than he leaned in for a kiss. And it was something he never really wanted. In that moment it was impossible for Jensen to deny how awesome Mishas lips tasted and how smooth they felt against his own. Actually this was not even a real kiss. It was more pressing their lips together and Jensen felt ashamed, when he realised that Misha did not move his lips in any way. It was short and far away from something like a kiss, but when Jensen broke away, his lips tingled and his head felt more tired than before. How to explain something he did'nt know it could happen?

„That was... special.“

Mishas voice was so deep that Jensen was absolutely sure Castiel would be jealous.

„Yeah, awkward I guess. Sorry man, I am really mashed up.“

„You think too much Jen. That's what Castiel always tells Dean. Stop thinking. And by the way, just shut up.“

And than Misha leaned in and this time their lips were moving and it was really something like a kiss.  
It felt incredible hot and Jensen was not sure were to put his hands, because all he could think about was how to move his lips and not to forget to breath.  
But when Misha crawled on his lap, Jensen put his hands on Mishas chest and pushed him carefully away.

„This is... we should.. really don't.“

He closed his eyes because the whole room was spinning around and he felt this gentle touch of arousal in his chest that did'nt make anything better.

„Why? Am I such a bad kisser?“  
„No you're not, I mean it's not about you, it' about this.“

Misha was smiling and when Jensen opened his eyes again and looked in that smiling face, it was obvious that Misha were totally amused by his childish behavour.

„So you don't want to kiss me?“

He never wanted. He just was, yeah, what was he?  
At the beginning it felt like home, peace, it calmed him down. Now? Now he was something between sleepy and horny. But the last part was not that obvious. Thank god.

„I don't know. I mean, no. Not really.“

But he shoved his hands over Mishas tighs and leaned in, so their foreheads were pressed together again.

„If you don't want that I eat you alive, you should really stop to move your hands like that.“  
„Why? Is there something growing Mish?“

Misha was not laughing and when Jensen felt the soft hands of his friend gentle around his neck he opened his eyes, just to see that Mishas were still closed.

„Do you wanna hear the nice answer or the true answer?“

Jensen moved his hands higher and poked with his fingertips over Mishas waistband.

„Always the truth. Ya know me.“

„Well, my day started horrible. Really. I woke up this morning and was hard as hell. I mean really hard. The fact that I can't remember what I dreamed pissed me really off. Who knows what I missed? Than the whole day was torture because I was tired and horny as hell. But as your best friend I thought it would be a nice touch, if I ask you to come around because I saw how shit you look actual. So I thought we would have a beer or two. Instead you started to touch me, started to kiss me and now you're asking me if something is growing in my crotch. I am really sorry to tell you this, but it never melted away since I woke up and I would be very glad if you stop touching me there or I will be poking you with something else, because as you can feel, my fingers are touching your neck right now.“

Jensen swallowed as hard as possible but the knot was not going away. His eyes went shut and his lips went dry and his hands moved back to Mishas tighs.  
He never thought this could really happen but Misha was all he needed to become horny and flushed in seconds. And when Misha shoved his hands in Jensens hair and brought their lips back together, Jensen knew that something really bad was going to happen. Or would have happened.

„Misha, are you in there? Have you seen Jensen? Everybody is searching for him.“

Jareds voice seemed so far away but the fact that he stood right infront of the closed door, let Misha stumble on his feet.

„Yeah, he is with me. Don't scream. I'll send him to your trailer, okay?“  
„Uhm, yeah. Sorry if I disturbed you guys with something. And thanks for the inventation.“  
„Shut up Jared or I will bitch you around for the rest of this season and as you know the filming started four days ago.“

Jared laughed loud enough for Jensen to hear. It was Misha who broke the silence and  started to smile.

„Well, I guess this day ends like it started.“

Jensen was not sure if he knew how to move or how to talk. All what was still on his mind was the soft touch of Mishas lips and the feeling of his hot skin.

„Are you alright or did you lose your voice?“  
„Nah, I'm good. It's just disgusting.“

Misha laughed quietly.

„Damn right. You should go. Maybe they have a new idea and changed the victims. Maybe now you are going to die.“

Jensen got on his feet, closed the distance between him and Misha and put their lips for the last time together. Gentle. Soft.

„No one is going to die. Not me, not Sammy and not Castiel. Like I said. I will kick their asses if I have to.“  
„I know. Go now. I'm fine.“

 

 

When Jensen came back later, Misha looked sleepy and ruffled. Jensen hurried inside of the trailer, closed the door behind him and shoved Misha forward until they both stumbled over the bed.

„Jen, what are you doing here? And with here I mean my trailer and not the bed.“

Jensen laughed and pressed his forehead against Mishas, tried to calm himself, because he was the happiest person on this planet.

„I promised. No one will die.“

Mishas face turned into a big smile.

„What did they say? What did you do?“

Jensen rolled on one side of the bed and started to stroke Mishas tighs again.

„Not that much. I just said that I will tell it at Comic Con and that I am really exhausted and that I don't know if I am going to play Dean until the end of the season. That I maybe need a break. And so they ask how they could help me to feel better. Here we go. Guess what I've told them.“

„You are such a nerd.“  
„Know that. So could you please stop talking now and kiss me again? Because I think I need some reward for my acting today.“  
„You're right. I think I have a amazing idea.“

And when Misha came so close that Jensen was sure he could count every freckle of him, he closed his eyes and was just fine for the first time in weeks.

„I really need you man.“  
„I know.“

And Jensen knew, he would'nt regret anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
